Buy The Colorado Rockies

Say Hello to Your New Baseball Team

Now is your oppor­tu­ni­ty to grab a piece of one of the most dis­ap­point­ing base­ball teams of the 21st Cen­tu­ry! Low expec­ta­tions yield high income.


Divi­sion Titles
World Series Wins
Win­ning Percentage

20th & Blake Street, in the heart of Denver’s LoDo Neighborhood.

Don’t have $1.3 bil­lion in this cash-strapped Coro­n­avirus Pan­dem­ic econ­o­my? Don’t fret, you can buy a piece of the team. And if you get a few mil­lion of your friends on board to chip in, soon you’ll all be in the front office mak­ing poor deci­sions and embar­rass­ing your­self on the nation­al stage. The good news is that the bar for the own­er­ship of the Col­orado Rock­ies is set so ridicu­lous­ly low that there’s lit­er­al­ly no way you could pos­si­bly do worse.

Low Expectations, High Income

Now’s your chance to own a piece of an under­per­form­ing Major League Base­ball™ team! The excite­ment has nev­er been more in the mid­dle of the spec­trum. Guar­an­teed to be under­whelm­ing on the field, you can focus on your own per­son­al hotel projects instead of the qual­i­ty of your Gen­er­al Man­ag­er or the play­ers he signs and drafts.

No mat­ter how bad the prod­uct on the dia­mond is, you are vir­tu­al­ly guar­an­teed to turn a prof­it because peo­ple will still go to games in Low­er Down­town Denver.

Perfect Fixer-Upper

The own­er has done the bare min­i­mum upkeep to the Col­orado Rock­ies, but is cur­rent­ly in the process of remov­ing all of the studs, before build­ing the team back up with more cost-effi­cient talent.

Spread The News

I’m chip­ping in to buy the Col­orado @Rockies. Will you help me get the team back on the right course? #BuyThe­Rock­ies #GetRid­OfThe­Mon­forts #Fire­Bridich

Open-Concept Roster

The future of post­mod­ern ros­ter-build­ing awaits you. An open-con­cept lay­out of mid­dling tal­ent and low pay­roll will allow you to cre­ate the per­fect under­per­form­ing team, while max­i­miz­ing your profits.

Ample Parking

Invite 54,000 of your clos­est friends, and have space for them all. Mul­ti­ple exits from the prop­er­ty will allow thou­sands to leave ear­ly with­out any traffic.

Our “Talent”

Austin Gomber

Start­ing PItcher

An ERA under 2 in 2020 will be sure to bal­loon in the rare air of the Mile High City. But every time Austin fails to make it out of the 3rd inning, we all get free Taco Bell diarrhea!

Four Minor Leaguers

Rel­a­tive Unknowns

Mateo Gil, Ele­huris Mon­tero, Tony Locey, and Jake Som­mers are unproven mid­dle tier prospects who will almost undoubt­ed­ly flail in one of the league’s worst farm systems.

Dinger The Dinosaur

Team Mas­cot

Nobody quite knows why the mas­cot of the Col­orado Rock­ies is a dinosaur. But he’s such a nation­al trea­sure that Nicholas Cage has tried to steal him count­less times.

Take a Closer Look